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May 12, 2008, 1:29 pm
Resentment is like drinking poison and then hoping it will kill your enemies. Nelson Mandela
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Life CoachingBuilding Focus, Energy & Courage - to Make a Better Life for You |
Life Coaching Realities
- What Actually Happens?
The biggest reason we lie down and fester in a life which doesn't suit us, is the certainty we feel - that there is no way out. We've tried some stuff and it didn't work; it may even have made things worse. And we don't see many of our friends stepping up to Great New Lives either.
So when some geezer comes along inviting you to "live the life of your dreams" in exchange for cash, it's hard to take seriously.
Here's a little secret...
Not many clients come to me with wonderful new life-dreams and sacks-full of courage and positive energy to make their dreams come true.
Most of my clients come to me because they are finally so fed up, they'll try something new. And they see my money-back guarantee, so they think "hey - why not give it a go?". They think they have nothing to lose, and they are correct.
Let me show you what usually happens.
Before our first session, clients describe their life situation to me through a special written exercise. Before the session, I review it carefully.
Here's an example. One lady ("Jane") had a stressful job, three unruly teenagers, a "problem husband" she was drifting away from, an empty social life and money worries. Other than that she was dandy :-)
We talked about where Jane wanted to be. I helped her to overcome defeatism and negativity for long enough to paint a picture of how she would like things to be. Even that is something she would not have been able to do alone.
Let's take one small part of her new picture: Jane wanted to re-build her relationship with her husband. But the stress of work meant that making time for him was difficult. Also, his reclusive manner and unwillingness to help with the children bred resentment and anger. When she came home from a stressful working day, she was saddled with the children, the housework and him. Jane was fueling their relationship problems through her anger, which caused knock-on problems with the kids.
And that's just her relationship with her husband - only one part of what she wanted to change. It's no wonder she could not see a way out.
I liken these situations to large and complex knots of string. All of the elements are inter-dependent. Choosing the best way forward is like deciding which end of string to pull in order to untie the knot.
So I worked with my client using a special exercise to see which area we would work on first, and she chose her husband. We spent some time exploring what had gone on and how things were now. What were the flash points? What behaviours made things worse, and what could we change to make things better? This is not easy stuff. Jane had to work hard on herself to swallow resentments, to make gestures which put her out on a limb, and to "pay it forward". She made some small but highly unusual gestures and this broke a pattern of ill-will between them, and caused what I have termed the "avalanche effect": a small event destabilises a situation, and a whole bunch of stuff comes tumbling down.
Things weren't perfect, but Jane saw something close to magic - her life was now a different shape - and a better one, and it was down to her. This caused another avalanche effect, because now she felt empowered. She had destroyed her own "nothing ever changes" mind set, and things got easier and a lot more fun! We dropped session frequency to once a fortnight.
Next up for overhaul was her working life. We looked at what she did, and where the stressors were. We drew a picture of how she wanted things to be. We found and tackled two big opportunities for positive change. One happened fast - the other was a long-term investment.
With a better marriage and a better job, Jane was a very much happier person; not only had she made practical changes which suited her, but she had proven that change can happen, and she was hooked on taking control of her life again.
Bottom line - over eight sessions, spanning three months and costing £360 Jane is in a very different place. She didn't leap off any cliffs, and she was always in control of her coaching. Small steps gave her confidence to make big changes.
Is Jane "Living the Life of Her Dreams"? Probably not, but she is much happier, and she is empowered to keep on making things better.
If you want to try it for yourself, just contact me.