Hell On Earth is ... Your Workplace?

There are so many ways to be miserable at work! (by the way - did you do my You at Work Survey  yet?)

I'm working with a lady at the moment who has quite a set of issues, and I sent her an email response to give her something to think about until our next session.

Many of her issues arise often with my clients, and the thinking fodder is the same, so I thought it might be useful to some of my readers to read it.
I've changed the names and gained permission from my client to publish this email.

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Hi Kim,

Since our next session is now two weeks away, I've jotted down some thoughts and ideas for you to play with until then.

They're inline, below.

Hi Chris

Nice to talk to you again on Friday [...]

You asked me for my 'misery' list from where I currently work - I hope you're ready for this ....

Deep breath....

a) Colleagues - Culture of gossipy duplicitousness (I hate this).  Majority of staff never worked anywhere else (many for 30 to 35 years plus) so change or new people are anathema and instantly hated.  There is a clique of 'negative' people who talk about people behind their backs (and sometimes to their face) - will criticise their work, their clothes, their accent, their weight, or have 'names' for people (whatever they can find).  If challenged they will either deny and state challenger is 'paranoid' or will do it as a joke within the safety of the pack so they look like they can't take banter.   

This is what I call the "playground mentality". In a healthy work culture, it's not tolerated. You may want to re-focus from the problem to considering more successful approaches to a better outcome. Ideas might include (but not be limited to):

Dump it with "management" to deal with

Take it to HR, if there is one

Confront hostility with charm

Confront hostility with greater hostility

Drop intelligent one-liners

Re-frame - Rise above it and enjoy the fact that daily, they show you how much better than them you are

Succeed in your work massively, making all this irrelevant

Physically isolate yourself from them

Divide and conquer

Enlist the help of a friend there

Start a counter-culture

What else? Remember that partial solutions are entirely worth having.

Pretend this issue is something a friend of yours is going through. This may help you to think intellectually rather than emotionally. How would you help her?

Minority of 'normal' people keep head down and take it or leave.  

Start a coalition of normal folks? Enjoy their company. Come out of the woodwork and FLAUNT your niceness and the fun you have at work in front of them. Show them another way to think and to be?

I don't take it personally as they talk about everyone, but they do sap my energy and I feel their behaviour is unjust/unprofessional  

Can you decide not to let it? How can you minimize this effect?

 - I am aware of being disliked for being a new girl (I've been there [3] years!) for having challenged people in the past about their behaviour (which has been close to bullying on occasion) and as I will not be drawn into gossiping about people behind their backs. 

You're taking the moral high ground then. Good on you! People like them are pretty much bound to react as they have done to that. 

b) Weak Leadership - MD is [N]th generation of family run comany (started in [the 18th century])  A  nice  'public school' gentleman (more suited to a Monastic life) very interesting and likeable away from work but as an MD has no idea!  He does not provide any leadership or direction for management or company (he provides no monthly reports so that I can see how we are actually performing (I have had to set up my own way of collating info which he is not happy about)  He micro manages his management team (especially the newer ones - the older ones scare him as they've been there longer.)  If you advise that the micro managing is not necessary and is denting confidence in good and efficient managers he states that we should all embrace the opportunity for continual improvement and that he likes to play the Devil's Advocate (this however only seems to be with more concientious managers - who to be fair he does tell he rates highly - actions however speak louder than words)   

Crikey. (I hope that was useful!) 

He is aware of militant attitude of existing staff (he knows there is a 'the company owes me a living' attitude and laziness within certain quarters and that many staff have no respect for directors (all family except one) or management team, but does nothing to improve the situation - despite me asking for his assistance previously (His response being [unhelpful]) 

Try asking questions like:

- Do you think that all companies are like this?

- You can have anything you want, but not everything you want - does he want to be popular, or a good manager?

- Does he want to grow a happy efficient company or does he want a quiet easy life?
- Does he want to please the nice hard workers - or does he prefer to pander to the bullies and the liars?

What other really creative ways are there to tackle specifically him or others in the management team?

Monday management meetings led by MD are an inter departmental war every week - they are seen as a point scoring opportunity (I mainly try not to be drawn into this but if seriously provoked will answer back)  

What RADICAL options do you have? What would a fearless hero say? What would Duncan Bannatyne say? 

c) Petty Rules - Non management staff are docked 15 minutes pay if more than 3 mins late, not paid for a minute over. They are not paid sick pay and docked bonus for the first 3 days off work due to illness.  They have to take 1 days holiday for a close family member's funeral (anything other than spouse, child or parent)  If MD sees anyone talking/chatting he asks me to tell them it's inappropriate (even if I haven't seen it -  he won't approach them himself!) I know the staff hate this - have no respect for him or me then (why should they) but he sees this as part of my role running the office (only when this suits though) 

Same idea - can you ask him questions to get him to illuminate his own stupidity? (without getting fired). 

He has phases of breathing down my neck asking if everyone's working hard enough, are we busy enough, why is so and so chatting.  I have suggested that the very fixed and rigid rules and attitude of the company do not generate a culture of goodwill with employees and do not promote two way flexibility -  but he does not agree with me. 

Hmmmm. Asking questions may help here again. You could try:

- Well, clearly we disagree on approach. But do you feel we have a happy healthy workforce under your regime?

- Do you think that your way is what they're teaching MBAs and managers these days?

Clearly dangerous stuff - but perhaps you could find a way to get it said which would not get your head ripped off.

d)Undermining - one member of my team, [resents me].  He is a very knowledgable employee (been with the company [a long time]) being fully aware of all processes and systems, but is not a team player  and often tries to undermine me (he does not like women in any kind of authority role. 

Exactly this scenario is extremely common. Options include:

Get it out. Acknowledge the problem, point out it's not your fault; he should take it up with management.

Acknowledge his expertise publicly, and enlist his help often. Show him another way to be successful at work

Point out that his behaviour is unhelpful and not what he's being paid for - allude to further consequences

Ask him how he sees the next five years, and what that vision holds for each of you - and how you might jointly find a better one.

A [person] recently complained to the MD about his aggressive attitude (nothing was done about this) and he refused to put me down on her form as his line manager - bless!).  

Ugh.

I have tried to talk to him and even tried to help his situation, giving him more responsibility, and status (which is v important to him) and a pay rise for his trouble, but he can be extremely aggressive and duplicitous and has [the] backing of 'old school' militant clique who will go directly to him to ask a question, or get something done and cut me out of the system, which assist with his undermining.

When he does this, do you address it very fast and decisively? Within minutes, are you in a room with him alone, discussing it?
Is there an escalation or disciplinary process available?

e) General - Minimum two hours travelling on ... motorway (my spiritual home!) then 8 hours in a tiny box office, with no privacy whatsoever and no windows to see out of.  Although I have made some very small improvements (this has required tremendous effort!) and I cannot move any further forward which makes me bored.  In addition all pay increases are inflationary and not linked to performance - so no one seems to care anyway!

ZZZzzzz are you asleep yet Chris?  Apologies for the length and detail of this.... but once I started I couldn't stop! 

I ain't asleep Kim, I'm incandescent :o)))))

It's so sad that people live out their working lives in holes like this.

You did what I asked you to do and I did what you're paying me for. It's all good, and I bet you enjoyed the vent.

It may be that you simply have no options there, in which case, the writing's on the wall.

But perhaps there are some things in the above suggestions which you could adapt for partial success in some areas.

I'll wait to hear from you about the dates etc. and sorry to bore you with it all.

Thanks for listening.

Kim 

OK Kim, we'll speak again on 12th.

Best Wishes,

Chris

Wonger-Block

Our attitudes toward money are often complex, and (as is the way with the humans) often in ways that don't serve us well. I've been experimenting with a little technique in my own life, and it has worked wonders for me. I'm now using it with clients, and today I thought I'd share it with you too.

I've written about money being power and about how, in a limited sense, money can buy you happiness.

But sometimes we find it hard to give ourselves permission to spend money. We may feel some purchase are frivolous, or that we don't deserve something, or (and this is more common as you get older) you may feel that things just cost too much, and so you refuse to pay as a kind of protest. This may mean that you're losing out on opportunities for happiness in life.

So here's the technique. Think of something in your life which you  routinely spend money on. I mean something that you don't even think about not spending money on. Examples might be your favourite cosmetic or beer or petrol or your favourite snack in your local coffee bar. It should be something which costs a few pounds. I'll choose a pint of Stella Artois beer.  Now, define a new unit of value - I'll call mine one stella. Now, when you're considering what to buy and what not to buy, don't think in terms of pounds, think instead of your new unit of value. What this does is to connect two parts of your brain which were previously separate. It brings cross-checking to your internal (and usually unconscious) values system. As a consequence, you get better answers from your noggin.

So, if you're a bloke, and you resent buying flowers (sorry about the gender stereotyping) then see that £6 bunch of flowers and being a two stella bunch of flowers. Do you feel different about buying it now? I bet you do.

I've found this works in all kinds of surprising ways. Wherever you think money, think your new unit of value instead, and watch your mindset change. I think you'll see improvements in your happiness, as you let go of your prejudices towards spending.

Oh - this just occurred to me. It's outrageous plugging, but hey - how much is my £60 fee in your new unit of value?


Call me, baby :oP

Bare Back

Meet Lise. She's an Icelandic pony - built for the harsh weather. She's also rather lovely, and she's my first real introduction to horses.

For most of my 50 years, I never really understood the attraction. Why would you want to climb on some poor creatures back and kick it. But, like a lot of other things, my cynical aversion to this thing I'd never tried disappeared - when I tried it.

A lot of my writing is about learning to let go of beliefs - those things we know to be true - without good evidence. Usually, we inherited those beliefs from childhood - absorbing them by osmosis form parents or from bitter experience in the twisted plaground-world which children, depressingly, must inhabit in their most formative years. When we let go of our beliefs, we become free to see the world clearly, un-encumbered by preconceptions and fears.

So - back to Lise. Being around Lise is oddly spiritual. She is clearly "in there" - she's a conscious being - but she's different. She's calm for one thing. As you move around her space she watches you carefully, and being watched by her feels special. She's not thinking in human terms; she's not making judgements. She's patient. She seems somehow eternal.

When I first rode her (with a saddle), I felt dreadful - like I had no business being on this creature's back, but she didn't mind a bit, and once I got used to the fact that this vehicle was like no other, I settled down.

Yesterday, I rode her bare back. You might think that's a quiet, tranquil experience, but not the first time! She's warm through my jeans. I can feel the bones of her spine moving left and right, forwards and back. I have to role with her body, but not too much because - with no stirrups and no saddle - there's very little to stop you falling off sideways.

Initially I found my brain was whirring away wondering what was right and wrong, what should and should not have been. I was tense all through my legs to the point where I was exhausted within three minutes. But after a while, I learned what was necessary and what wasn't. You can relax below the knees, so I did.  You're more stable if you push your backside out and allow your pelvis to rock with the horse's back, so I did. You learn that - what seem to be alarming indications of imminent removal from office  are nothing to worry about - just normal excursions form the vertical which stop all on their own.

When the busy brain receeds you can begin to appreciate the experience more; to place yourself in context.

I'm riding an animal which I can feel under me. They are carrying me through countryside, out in the weather. I'm connected with them - aware of every detail of their walking; every footfall. Breathing. There's something about their obedience and a humility which that brings, too.

Well, I'm clearly droning on without clarity or purpose here, so I guess I'll stop. But I wanted to try to get something of this experience on paper. If you're horsey, you'll know what I'm trying to say. If you're not - try it!

Cold, Old, Underwear & Warm Porridge

Firstly, that ain't me, right? That looks to me like a WWII haircut, and a WWII hut. Odd actually, as I've just got back from Bletchley Park, (the world war two place where they cracked the Enigma device) and, anticipating long periods of being outside in the cold, and being elligible for Saga holidays these days, I've invested in a full set of (oh, the shame) Long Johns - as illustrated above - which I wore.

Anyway - there's an odd downside to wearing Long Johns which I discovered today. They're great outside in the cold. Snug and toastie. But inside, after a while, you feel like you've filled your trousers with warm porridge. Not terminal, I assume, but I felt it was important to share that with you ... Now then, have a nice afternoon :o)

Depression update

Well, my previous post to the depression forum went down like a vile smelling lead balloon.
So here's the response I posted, which may be of use to those reading here, who also didn't like it.
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My post was written very carefully to find the balance between sympathy and truth. It wasn't intended to offend, and - reading it again - I don't thing there is offence in it, except in so far as it does not support your current world view.

It would be the easiest thing in the world to pour sympathy all over you, and you would feel better for it, but you'd still be carrying around the pathology which put you where you are. So - do you want a lifetime of pathology and sympathy - or do you want to make changes?

As a personal development consultant, I walk this tight rope daily. Do I make my client feel better in the short term and keep taking the money - or do I tell them truths which are difficult to hear, allowing him to adjust his world-view and move on in life with a more accurate one, which he can use to accurately interpret meaning from his experiences, and to reach for happiness.

The "pills" in my post can be bitter, but they are no less therapeutic for that. As long as you perpetuate a view of yourself as helpless victim, and view the world out there as owing you happiness, then you will not make progress, because - no matter how much you want it to be true - it just isn't true.

There is a story of a wild monkey who wanders into an encampment and he sees a banana in a cage. He reaches in to grab it, but can't get it out through the bars. Unwilling to let go of the potential meal, he stays there holding the banana and he starves to death there.

If you want to move on, you have to let go.

This is really hard stuff, because our ego is invested. To let go means to admit imperfection, to admit we had some things wrong. And until we can find the more correct versions, we're somewhat adrift; we lose a part o ourselves.

It's also hard because it means letting go of something we loved - the delicious passive dependency of our childhoods.

Of course, if there are brain chemistry reasons involved, then medication may be the appropriate course of action, but there is growing anxiety about anti-depressants, and also a body of professionals (Dorothy Rowe being my favourite) who say that depression is not a mental illness anyway. In that connection, there's an audacious phrase which springs to mind - it's not one of mine, but there's some interesting thinking in it. It's this:

You don't HAVE depression, you DO depression.

I can well understand how that might offend many depressives. Don't shoot the messenger.

I don't think this means to imply that you prefer to be utterly miserable, so you make sure you stay that way. But it DOES mean that there is a wilful component to depression driven by the conflict between your inner beliefs and your external reality. This is very hard stuff to work with, and anyone who is depressed has my respect and my sympathy. It is a sad place to be and it's hard to get out. Sometimes lives go by in that place. I don't dismiss it at all. Perhaps if you read what I said again in that context you might find something of use in it.

Perhaps not.

This One's for Life Coaches

If you have information produts you'd like to sell, then I can sell them for you in my online shop. To explore that further, pease contact me.

If you'd also like to put your information products on Amazon for vast global reach, then usually - you'd need an ISBN - a lengthy expensive process. However, I now have an Amazon Pro account which means I can list products which do NOT have ISBNS ASINs or any other product code. That's CDs, books, and so on.

If you would like to work with me in listing your product in my product area on Amazon, then please contact me to explore options.

Depression

 

I contribute to an online forum on depression, and I thought this post might interest some:

Hello D,

As children we are rewarded for good behaviour and punished for bad behaviour, as part of the "civilizing" process.

As a result, most of us grow up with the notion that good things happen to good people, and bad things happen to bad people. But outside of the context of childhood upbringing, this simply isn't true. Wonderful people die young of horrible illnesses, and nasty people become rich and live long, powerful lives.

The reason I mention that you ask: "Why is my life so awful?". I guess you probably think "... because I don't deserve it - I've been a good person". I see this in almost every client I work with.

But the cold hard reality is rather different. Your life is so awful for two reasons:

1. Pure simple "wicked" chance
2. The things you do

That may seem unkind D, but it isn't. It is simply The Truth, and with it comes the insight we all need to make our lives better; we have to MAKE them better. Easier said than done, of course, when you're so low, but this is the path you have to tread to have a better life:

* If you have no friends, then make some. This is complicated because you probably have self-esteem issues which make it difficult for you to approach strangers and make friends, and you may also exhibit behaviours which are puzzling to others who might approach you.

* I am sure your crisis was terrible. It will have happened due to (1) or (2) above. Analysing that may help you to move forward in your life. Many dreadful experiences teach us things we would not have otherwise been able to reach with our minds; perhaps there are some gains in there somewhere.

* There's nothing wrong with attention-seeking. We are all of us animals whose fundamental structure we cannot change; part of that structure is to crave attention. Accept that fact, go out and attract attention, and then enjoy it.

* But also recognise that attention will not fix the facts of your life. If you want to be loved, then you must DO THE STUFF which will make that happen; socialising, being nice, approachable, well-groomed, and so on. If you want to be cared for, be caring, and enlarge your social circle.

You ask "is that too much to ask for?"- and - if by that you mean "is it unreasonable for the world to deliver that to me while I wait for it?" then the answer is most definitely YES - THAT IS TOO MUCH TO ASK FOR. Don't shoot the messenger, D. I am not being unkind, and I'm not at all unsympathetic to your situation. I'm just telling you truths about the way the world is.
Because wish as much as you like - that IS the way the world is, and you can live in that world happily and successfully, or unhappily and resentfully.

Maybe the reason you hate yourself in the mirror, is because a part of you already knows this.

I would suggest the way forward for you might be this:

a. Hate me for a while because I've told you some difficult truths
b. Over time, recognise those truths as being real in the world you live in
c. Try - with all the support you can muster - to make tiny steps forward to DO STUFF which will move your life towards where you want it to be.
d. Use your intellect to watch your emotional thinking - reject those messages which are not literally true
e. Enjoy chocolate :o)

Good luck D.

My Warmest Wishes,
Chris